Archive for September, 2002

‘Sweet Home Alabama”

September 30, 2002

This was the movie I was looking for to when I found four feathers. I saw the preview a few times in the theatre and now want to see the movie. It comes out Sept 27. It stars Reese Witherspoon. It is about a girl who makes it big and then returns back to her small town. I know that none of you guys will be interested in this probably since it is a romatic comedy. Although, I know that someone is going to prove me wrong now…I was wondering what everyone else thought of this movie..

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Did you ever wonder….

September 30, 2002

I don’t think we’ve had any of these before…

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A?

Why are buttons on guys’ shirts on a different side than girls’ shirts?

Why are things typed up but written down?

How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its a illegal to keep them as a pet?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

Why do donuts have holes?

Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?

If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?

Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?

If you decide that you’re indecisive, which one are you?

Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?

Why do they call it your “bottom”, when it’s really in the middle of your body?

How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

Why do they call it “head over heels in love” If our head is always over our heels?

Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?

Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?

How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

What is a male ladybug called?

If you mated a bull dog and a ####su, would it be called a bullshit?

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?

Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?

If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a reseal able lid?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Interlude 2 – The Revenge Prologue to Chapter 1

September 30, 2002

Interlude 2 – The Revenge

Sequel to Interlude

Prologue

Two men stood in the dungeon of the royal winter palace in Paris. They were arguing over a female prisoner who had been incarcerated there for over one year.

“There she is, jailer, release her. I have my orders!�

“And may I inquire about where your orders came from? This woman is being held for intent to murder her husband.�

“You have already asked and I have shown you my papers. The murder charge has been thrown out. Now do as I say, man. Let her go.�

“Let me see those papers again, monsieur, and I need to see them right now, if you intend for this woman to be released.�

The taller of the two men sighed as he pulled out his orders for the female’s release. “Here, and read them carefully this time.�

The jailer took the papers from his hand. He scanned them over, then looked up at other man. Anger was written all over his face.

“What are these, monsieur?� he asked, holding up the blank pages. “What is it that you are trying to accomplish? I have no choice but to place you under arrest for…� But he never finished the sentence for the jailer had crumpled in a heap.

The taller man watched the jailer sink to the floor and looked up. Rodmilla de Ghent, a woman marked for the death for murdering her husband, was in the cell. She held in her trembling hands a heavy mallet that Rene had passed through the bars.

Rene bent down to see if the jailer was still breathing. He smiled as he looked up at Rodmilla and nodded his head yes. He was still breathing, for the moment anyway.

“The key,� Rodmilla said, impatiently, “where is the key?�

Rene looked down and fumbled with the pouch that contained the four large keys attached to the jailer’s belt. He had watched the man put those keys in that pouch thousands of times. He thought it would be easy to remove.

He looked up at Rodmilla, shaking his head, then he put it back down, still concentrating on removing that confounded pouch.

“RENE!� she called impatiently.

“Quiet,� he exclaimed, trying to loosen it somehow. “I am working as fast as I can.�

Rene kept tugging at the rope, hoping that it would loosen up. Then he remembered the knife that had stolen only that morning. He had traded for it with another prisoner. He had used it this very morning to threaten a Guardsman while escaping. He removed it from his boot, brought it up to the belt and easily cut the rope in two. The keys fell to the floor with a loud klunk. He picked up the pouch and pulled out the keys. One by one he put them into the keyhole on the door.

Rodmilla had nothing else to do as she watched Rene working feverishly. Finally, he found one that fit, the very last one he tried. He looked up and smiled, but it was short-lived. The footsteps were getting louder and closer.

“Quickly Rene, before someone comes.�

“I believe that someone already is,� Rene answered, turning the key. The door opened.

The two of them stood stock still. No one moved a muscle. Then, the two of them began to laugh.

“Shh,� Rene said, covering her smile with his hand. The footsteps were louder and now he could hear voices. “They are almost upon us. Quickly, now.� He grabbed her hand and was about to run when he thought better of it. He let her go for one brief minute while he kicked the jailer’s body inside the cell; slammed the door shut and locked it, putting the key hurriedly into his belt.

“Come, we must hurry,� he said, grabbing her hand. The two of them raced up the stairwell toward their escape.

Chapter 1

The warden paced back and forth. He looked up at the jailer and the two Guardsmen who had been overcome that morning.

“What do you mean they got away?� he asked, looking up at them. “How is this possible?�

“He had a knife, monsieur,� the Guardsman said. “He held it up to my nose and threatened to lop it off in one fell swoop.�

“And, pray tell me where had he gotten this knife? The prisoners are not supposed to carry weapons.�

“We don’t know, monsieur. We have talked to the prisoner next door to him who told me the knife had been his. The Marquis le Fleur traded his hat and his boots to get it. Apparently the other man thought that these things were important enough to him.�
�Or he just wanted to rid himself of the thing before we found out he had it.�

There was no answer, especially from either of the Guardsman.

He turned to the jailer. “And what happened to you. From where in God’s name, did that mallet suddenly appear?�

“It was my fault,� the jailer said. “It was leaning up against the wall and easily grabbed up by the Marquis le Fleur.�

The warden shook his head. “The three of you will be severely punished for this, but that will not be right away. I might strike a bargain with you, if you will agree to carry out my plan.�

“And what might that be?� the second Guardsman said.

“Follow them,� the warden said. “Find them and bring them here to me. Track their every footstep. I don’t care how you do it, just bring them back alive.�

“We might have to gain their trust,� the first Guardsman said, looking at the other two men.�

The warden frowned. “I told you, I don’t care what you do or how you do it, just bring them back to me. Is this understood?�

“Of course, monsieur,� the second Guardsman said, bowing deeply. “We will begin this very second, if this is satisfactory,�

The warden wanted to grab the three of them and shake them until they stopped breathing, but he didn’t. He just shook his head.

“Go on,� he said brushing them off with a wave of his hand, “away with you. And I do not want to see the three of you until you have done my bidding.�

“Of course, milord,� the first Guardsman said, smiling. The three of them turned and ran, heading for the same stairs that Rene and Rodmilla had made their escape.

The warden sighed and shook his head. Where had the three of them come from anyway, he realized suddenly. He had never seen them before today. He suddenly arose from his seat to go after them, but then he thought better of it. He sat down again.

If they were a part of this, they’d all end up in here, eventually. It is only a matter of time, now, he thought.

Mansfield Park

September 30, 2002

This is one of my favorite books, and it always intrest me what other opinion of the book is. I also have a question. Would you have prefered that Fanny end up with Crawford or her cousin? Sure the whole cousin thing is gross, but you have to remember the time period…

Eau de … umm â€¦well…

September 30, 2002

Think this one has been misnamed a wee bit and I’m definitely going to stop complaining about everyone smelling like mosquito spray here… 😛

~ A new perfume has been created in Germany which smells of rancid beer and cigarette butts. The scent is intended to evoke memories of the famous Oktoberfest, Munich’s annual homage to beer. Inventor and pub landlord Peter Inselkammer presented the scent this week during the 169th festival. He said he has called the new perfume ‘Armbrustschuetzenzelt’ Crossbow Tent – after the various drinking tents. Inselkammer said the scent, which costs around £95 a bottle, comes in the shape of a pen that can be easily carried around the fields of the Oktoberfest. Over a million people stormed the tents of the beer festival in its first week and organisers expect at least 6 million visitors to have come and gone by Sunday 6 October.

Interlude 2 – The Revenge Chapter 5

September 30, 2002

Chapter 5

“Wonder what’s keeping him?� Henry wondered aloud. He looked up at his father. “Do you think it’s that woman?�

Francis looked at him, a little puzzled. “Francois is seeing some woman? I thought he was a married man.�

Henry smiled. “He is a married man, Father, I was talking about his wife, Adrienne, you know, Danielle’s younger sister?�

Francis nodded. “Yes, I thought she was.� He looked at his son. “Didn’t they just have a little girl?�

Henry nodded. “Yes, they did.�

The King frowned. “And what about you? It’s been a little over a year, Henry. I am anxious to become a grandfather. I know that Auguste is. He’s been talking my ear off lately on that subject.� Francis shook his head. “Whose idea was it to have Danielle’s father and his wife, Annette come to Paris with us?�

“So that Danielle and Adrienne could keep an eye on him, you know that. He’s just had his second stroke, mild as it was. “

Francis laughed and nodded. “The court physician practically got on his hands and knees and begged me to take him. ‘How would it look,’ he said ‘if the father of new Princess is not being cared for.’ And that’s when Danielle and Adrienne joined in. Annette said she would care for him, but she was voted down. What could I do, Henry, I had absolutely no choice. I couldn’t leave him in Hautefort.�

“By the way,� Henry asked. “Where is the old man?�

“Under doctor’s orders,� Francis said. “Went out for his daily walk with one of the Guardsmen, I believe it was Emil.�

He changed the subject. “And what about my question, Henry. Your mother and I would like to…�

“I’m here, Henry,� a voice called out from his left. Francois had just arrived and with an extra horse.�

Henry turned toward it and smiled. “Saved by my cousin.�

Francis smiled this time. “Not so quickly, young man. You will answer my question.�

Henry shrugged as he climbed on the extra horse. “Don’t you even say hello to your own nephew?�

Francis smiled. “My namesake,� he said looked toward him. “How is your wife and your daughter, Francois? Are they well?�

Francois smiled. “Things are going well, uncle. Adrienne and little Marie are doing just fine.� He turned to face Henry. “By the way, cousin, what about you and Danielle? It’s been a year, you know.�

Henry looked at him and noticed his father smiling. “What is this, a conspiracy?� He looked from one to the other.

“You never know,â€Â? Francis answered, laughing. He looked at Francois who looked puzzled. “Come on, you two. It’s time to go. We will discuss this upon your return.”

“Thank you, Father.� Henry smiled. “I’ll take you up on that. Come, cousin, before we lose track of the hour.�

The King of France stood in the castle courtyard watching Francois and Henry ride off. He was about to turn and walk through the door when he heard the bells in the chapel strike one. And he was suddenly reminded of his old friend. “ Auguste has been gone a while now, I must have forgotten all about him.� He was just about to call out the Royal Guards when he remembered that Emil was with him. “He’ll be fine,� Francis said, “he is well protected. Emil is one of the best.� He smiled. “I am worried for nothing. I mean, how would anyone know that his daughter is married to my son.� And with that thought in his head, he walked inside.

“Your Majesty,� a voice cried out, “Your Majesty, please, help me.�

~~~~~~

“Where did you find him?� Francis asked Laurent after they put Alain into one of the guest quarters.

“He was lying in the woods, Your Majesty.� Laurent said. “He was wet and unconscious.� Laurent looked at the King. “I am afraid there was another body next to him, milord, but he was not alive. We couldn’t leave him out there so we gave him a proper burial behind the barracks.�

Francis frowned. “And why have you done that?�

“Because, Your Majesty,� Laurent said, looking into the King’s eyes. “His name was Emil du Pres, one of the best Guardsman and my right hand man.�

Modern Frankenstein?

September 30, 2002

Scientist Seeks Body to Make New, Improved Human

LONDON (Reuters) – A German scientist who caused a storm of protest with an exhibition of flayed human corpses is now looking for someone he can cut up and recreate as a new improved person.

The whole process — from the search for a donor through their death, dissection and reconstruction — will be broadcast on British television.

“This person will be a landmark human being,” said Gunther von Hagens, whose Body Worlds exhibition was slammed by critics as a sick freak show when it opened in London in March.

“They will pave the way for a future life with a more healthy, capable and longer lasting body,” he said in a statement released by the television company involved.

Von Hagens and his panel of experts are looking for a terminally ill patient who will die in the next few months.

The donor will be asked how his or her body has served them during their life and how it could have been better.

Once the donor dies, the body will be deep frozen and dissected. Within nine months, von Hagens’ team hopes to unveil the preserved corpse as a redesigned human being and put it on public display.

Von Hagens has said an ideal human being would have features such as spare vital organs and hyper-flexible joints.

“This is a serious, scientific and educational exercise, albeit a provocative one,” Nick Curwin, executive producer of the team which plans to film the project, said in a statement.

“Our donor will go down in history, preserved forever as what might have been if evolution had got us right.”

The Body Worlds exhibition, which has toured Japan, Germany, Belgium and Austria, consists of around 30 preserved corpses displayed in various poses. The flagship piece is a preserved horse and rider — both skinned to display their muscles, bones and innards.

Since the exhibition opened in London, at least 20 people in Britain have agreed to donate their bodies to von Hagens’ institute for future preservation.

Ah… Guinness… and no, not the beer….

September 30, 2002

Wacky World Records Abound in New Guinness Book

LONDON (Reuters) – Who discovered the world’s oldest vomit? Who stuffed the most live rattlesnakes in his mouth? Who has lived longest with a bullet in his head?

All is revealed in the latest edition of the Guinness Book of World Records, an international Who’s Who of the weird, wacky and wonderful, from the world’s longest tongue to the man with the biggest collection of traffic cones.

Competition for a place in the world’s most famous record book is as fierce as ever — the publishers said on Tuesday they have received 60,000 record claims in the past 12 months.

British scientists landed their coveted place in the book by unearthing the world’s oldest vomit, dating back 160 million years to the time of the dinosaurs, during a dig in eastern England.

American Jackie Bibby made his claim to fame by holding eight live rattlesnakes by their tails in his mouth without any assistance.

Japan offers one of the most offbeat entries.
Schoolboy Satoru Fushiki was accidentally hit in his left eye by a bullet on January 23, 1943. The bullet was only removed on September 25, 2001 when the sight in his eye miraculously returned.

The French always pride themselves on being great lovers and the flame of Gallic love certainly still burned brightly for 96-year-old Francois Fernandez and 94-year-old Madeleine Francineau. They made this year’s edition for being the world’s oldest couple to marry.

The book even boasts a record of its own — it has now sold more than 95 million copies to become the world’s best-selling copyright book.The new edition, published in Britain on September 28 and around the world in the next two weeks after that, is printed in 23 different languages and will be available in over 100 different countries.

Guinness, one of publishing’s longest-running success stories, was launched in 1954. It was the brainchild of Hugh Beaver, managing director of the Guinness brewery. He was out shooting in Ireland and got into an argument about whether the golden plover ranked as Europe’s fastest game bird.
Beaver, believing that records sparked pub and bar disputes around the world, decided the time was right to produce the ultimate reference book for superlatives.

Twins Norris and Ross McWhirter, who were running a fact-finding agency for British newspapers, were picked to launch the book which has changed up to 25 percent of its records each year.

Contest Extended

September 29, 2002

Since I’ve been out of town this week doing a speaking engagement, and focused on some other things, I’m going to extend the current two contests by another week or so.

Also we’re working on perhaps our biggest contest EVER and will have details on it next month hopefully. Let’s just say, you guys better have your passports in order, and maybe your film scripts ready. 😮 😉

Real World – Vegas – Season Opener

September 29, 2002

I taped it last night – couldn’t stay up to watch it. Anyone catch it and if so, thoughts?